Walking Saints
by bgn
Summary: Flandem crossovers between Walking Dude and Beantown Saints. Shay Padrig Flanagan/Norvis Readem. Sequel to Deserving Each Other.
1. Just For Fun

**Just For Fun**

Shay was sprawled on the sofa with his laptop, smoking and reading. "This one is kind of hot."

Norvis leaned over to look. "Yeah, I sent that to Steffen already. He's still embarrassed by Walking Dude slash."

"You tell him you're used to it after 10 years of Beantown Saints?"

"Plus that real person shit about us."

"Yeah, that's a little disturbing."

"And yet you read it."

"Well, it's pretty inventive. I don't have that good an imagination. I get ideas from it."

"I thought I recognized some of your moves."

"If the story said we did it, we might as well make it true."

"I'm not complaining."

Shay's phone beeped. He glanced at caller ID. "It's Ric."

Norvis smiled. They hadn't heard from Davis Della Ricci lately.

Shay answered: "Hey, Ricci, what's good?"

"Is Readem there?"

"Yeah, you wanna talk to him?"

"Nah, I just wondered if you guys are still together."

"What the fuck?"

"I'm reading something that says Readem has taken up with his co-star on the new show."

"Ric, you don't believe that shit, do you?"

"No, I'm just fucking with you." Ricci switched subjects. "Why isn't there fan fiction about me?"

"You're character isn't Conway or Munroe. You killed a pet in the first movie and then you died. Do you need more reasons?"

"I guess not. But I'm feelin' left out."

"Actually, I read one about a threesome between you and the boys. I'll send you the link."

"Thanks, man. See you guys at the BTS panel next month?"

"Sure, but Norv has to split his time with the Walking Dude panel."

"That popular little rat bastard."

"Yeah, but there are advantages. He let me touch his blowgun."

"The real blowgun, or is that a euphemism? 'Cause it sounds kind of dirty."

"I got to fondle the real blowgun. I even fingered the darts. And I watched him blow. First the gun, then ..."

"Flanagan, you filthy fuck. I think I'm getting excited."

"My work here is done."

They both clicked off.

"Were you having phone sex with Ric?" Norvis asked.

"Little bit, yeah."

"Such a slut."

Norvis was trying to light a cigarette. He clicked the lighter without result. "Piece of shit." He dropped it on the floor and leaned over to put the tip of his cigarette to Shay's lit one. He drew in and the cigarette fired up.

"That is so gay," Shay said.

"Yeah, we're not doing that in public."

Muffin came over to investigate the new object. "Don't let my dog eat that lighter," Shay warned.

Norvis picked it up and tossed a dog treat instead. Muffin snapped it out of the air and crunched noisily. "She's getting bone juice on the rug," he told Shay.

"There's probably boner juice, too. Remember last night? They're being cleaned next week anyway."

Norvis's phone buzzed. "Stef, what's up?"

"Where's your apartment?" Steffen Young asked. "I just heard that we're spending a long weekend together and I don't even know the address where all the sex is happening."

Norvis laughed. "Welcome to media misrepresentation. I'm not in New York. I'm in L.A. with Flanagan."

"I figured. You know, as attractive as you are, I want Shay to know I'm not going to fight him for you."

"You'd lose."

"I'm aware. That Burmese stuff scares me. Enjoy the rest of the weekend."

"See you on the shoot."

Norvis clicked off and said, "That's it. We're turning off the fucking phones. Shut down the laptop. We're going to the bedroom and close the door. The dog stays here. You've been reading porn fics for an hour. Show me what you've got."

Shay was reading with eyebrows raised. "We're gonna need the dog for this one."

Norvis sighed and headed for the bedroom. "C'mon, Muffin."


	2. Zombie Land

**Zombie Land**

Norvis picked Shay up at ATL on Friday. They greeted each other with a hug because they didn't kiss in public. Except that famous kiss at their coming-out interview. How could they top that one? They weren't opposed to kissing in public but they drew the line at full-on making out. And the problem was stopping with just a kiss when you haven't seen each other for awhile so it's best not to start what you need privacy to finish.

As they headed to Norvis's place he said, "I'd fuck you in this truck but too many people know what I drive."

"I'd have fucked you in the airport bathroom," Shay replied, "But we were recognized when we went in."

Personal pleasantries over with, Norvis got down to business. "Are you going to be here through Monday?"

"Yeah, I fly back Monday night."

"Wanna be a zombie?"

"Seriously?"

"We need one for a scene on Monday. You get a close-up, although you'll barely be recognizable, and then I put a dart in your brain. I told them you were coming here for the weekend. They want you. Fans would love it, too."

"Hell yes, I'll do it."

"You'll be chomping on a guy when we find you ... I just had a thought."

"Driving, talking and thinking. I'm impressed."

Norvis ignored that and punched a number on his phone. "Ricci, it's Readem. Can you get your ass to Atlanta by Monday morning?"

"I guess so. What for?"

"Shay is here. He's going to eat you."

"I knew you guys would try and drag me into your gay fantasies. That Flanagan is a sick fuck."

"He'll be a zombie and you'll be his victim."

"Keep it to yourself. I don't wanna know about your role-playing games."

"I'm trying to give you a job. It's a scene for the show."

"Oh, I get it. He'll eat my guts, right? Maybe an arm? I don't want Flanagan's mouth below my waist."

"I don't want his mouth below your waist, either."

"Okay, I'm in. I'll see you Sunday night."

"What the fuck is wrong with my mouth?" Shay demanded. "You're the only one I use it on and you haven't complained."

"I don't think it's your technique Ric is worried about."

Shay nodded. "Probably afraid he'd like it too much. That's understandable."

Norvis might have made a sarcastic comment about ego but he was remembering Shay's talents and decided to let it go. A couple of hours later, with his memory refreshed, he was glad that Shay's mouth and tongue were available only to him.

With the need for privacy satisfied for the moment, they smoked and discussed recent news.

"What's the deal with Dorabent?" Shay asked.

"He's out, at least from hands-on control of the show. Season 2 is already planned out so we're okay for now but everyone's nervous about what happens after that. Time will tell. And the ratings."

"What a fucked-up business we're in."

"Yeah. If Walking Dude tanks I'll have time for Beantown Saints. You think Daffy might actually get it to TV?"

"It could happen. But I hope it's faster than the 10 years between movies or we're going to be too old for that action shit on a weekly basis."

On Sunday night they went back to ATL to pick up Davis Della Ricci. Ric was stoked about the possibility of BTS coming to the small screen.

"You're dead," Shay said. "Why would you care?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? I died in the first movie but I showed up in the second one. Haven't you been paying attention? There are more fuckin' dead people on TV than live ones lately. Ghosts, vampires, zombies. And flashbacks. Look at Lost. You could die in the first episode and still have a job for six years."

"You're right," Shay agreed. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking. Because you and Readem have banged each other's brains out."

"Leave me out of it," Norvis protested. "I didn't say anything stupid."

"Actions speak louder than words," Ric told him. "And you just missed our exit."

"Fuck!" Norvis started looking ahead for the next turn-off. Shay snickered.

Ricci shook his head. "Both of you. I shoulda taken the airport van."


	3. Bugging Out

**Bugging Out**

When Norvis called, Shay answered with a very fey voice: "Hi honey, what's up?"

"You, probably."

"Yep. How about you?"

"My cock may never get hard again."

"Well, it was fun while it lasted. Have a nice life."

"Asshole. I knew you were just with me for the sex."

"What happened?"

"This state is fucked up."

"I thought you liked Georgia."

"I did. Until I found a tick on my cock."

Silence.

Norvis was pleased because it wasn't easy to render Shay speechless. But after a few seconds he asked, "Did you hear me?"

"I need an audio check because I'm not sure you said what I thought I heard."

"I found a tick. On my cock."

"Are you fucking with me?"

"I wish. The ticks are bad this year."

"Is it still there?"

"No."

"How did you get it off? Don't you have to be careful removing them?"

"It wasn't actually attached yet."

"Did you save it? Please tell me you saved it."

"You sick fuck." Pause. "Yeah, I've got it. I knew you'd want to see it."

"Mail it to me. Overnight it."

"No."

"Send me a picture."

"Okay."

"Don't ticks like to suck blood?"

"Yeah."

"No wonder it went for that part. It's so big the rest of your body is anemic."

"Thanks. I think."

"You had a tick on your dick," Shay said with wonder. "A tick on your dick!"

"Stop saying that. You sound like a deviant Dr. Seuss."

Of course that set Shay off.

"The cat in the hat saw something so sick.  
Readem, you prick, there's a tick on your dick.  
What's the best way to get it off quick?  
Maybe a kick or beat it with a stick?  
If nothing else works, I'll just give it a lick."

How the hell did Flanagan make up this stuff on the fly? Complete with a funny voice that was one of dozens in his repertoire. "Are you done?"

"For the moment but not forever. How did you find it?"

"What do you mean? It was just there."

"What were you doing when you found it? Taking a piss or jerking off?"

"Is that really the important issue here?

"So you were jerking off. You better have been thinking of me."

"I was thinking of you sucking me and swallowing that tick."

"Oh fuck, that could have happened! I was just there. What if this tick wasn't the first one?"

"Get a bowel prep kit like you had for your colonoscopy. If there's a tick inside you, that'll flush it out."

"Hold on, I'm looking at the picture. My god, it's huge and all swollen with blood ... wait, that's your cock. The tick is just a tiny thing. Well, it would be, in comparison to your equipment, I mean. You were thinking of me! I'm the only reason you're that size."

"Your ego is bigger than my equipment."

"You know, this picture is why I love you. You took it before taking the tick off. I would have screamed and called 911. But Readem has nerves of steel. You got the shot. For me."

"You're welcome."

"You're okay, aren't you? Not going to get Lyme disease or something?"

"Unlikely since it didn't attach. But I have to watch for a rash."

"Sorry I'm not there to kiss it and make it better."

"Not as sorry as I am."

They said goodnight and hung up.

Norvis had a feeling what was about to happen so he shut off his phone and went to bed. The next morning he checked messages and sure enough, there were two he was expecting and one he wasn't. Shay had even called Willy fucking Donnelly! He listened to the messages with resignation.

Trey Daffy: Are you aware of that fucking Flanagan's psychotic break? He called me howling like a maniac. He was laughing so hard he couldn't say anything except that you'd explain. Well, I would like a fucking explanation, please.

Ricci: Am I sick? Did I pick up something in Atlanta? Flanagan called me and I could hardly understand a word he said. Something about being infested. Will I have to get shots? What the fuck happened to me down there? And by 'down there' I mean the southern part my body and the country. Call me!

Willy: Norvis, I'm a little concerned about our Shay. I received a disturbing call from him. He wasn't making much sense. He was reciting some kind of filthy limerick. It sounded a bit like a children's rhyme, but dirtier. You know I love the man dearly. Well, not like you obviously, but if there's anything I can do, ye'll let me know?

As always, Willy's Scottish brogue was more pronounced when he was worried.

Norvis was scheduled to be on set all day and now he'd be spending every break returning calls. But he hadn't talked to Ric since he left Atlanta, hadn't talked to Trey for weeks, hadn't talked to Willy for months. Norvis thought about that. Shay knew he'd been busy lately and hadn't kept in touch. There might have been a method to his madness. So Norvis would spend some time catching up with old friends. And he had a great story to share. He'd have to remember to thank Shay when he called tonight.

* * *

A/N: I appreciate your comments and didn't want to lose them so I copied them before ff's big purge. Thanks to everyone for reading and especially those who took the time to review.

Haven14  
4/13/12 chapter 3  
WHY are there only 3 chapters?  
I love this so much!

valkyrie-alex  
4/5/12 chapter 3  
I don't even read RPF as a general rule (I dunno, something about it kind of squicks me). I want you to know that right off the bat.  
Because I'm madly in love with these. I read them the first time in Unexpected (cause it was late at night and I was kind of a dumbass and was like 'Flandus? The hell does that mean?) and these are so legitimately hilarious and amazing, I just love them to pieces. It is my fervent hope that these two are exactly this awesome in real life. You are seriously an amazing writer :)

Sunshine-aki  
3/7/12 chapter 3  
The only time I know what's going on with these is with Reedus and Steven.  
All the rest confuses me.  
Also, Reedus is STEEEEVES!  
Haha

LaylaBinx  
12/20/11 chapter 1  
Lmao, there goes that fourth wall! XD

Chimera64  
9/8/11 chapter 3  
You know...I read this chapter frequently and I laugh out loud every time. It literally NEVER gets old! Thank you for the wonder that is this chapter.

deelove1  
7/31/11 chapter 2  
Thank you for making my weekend complete:)

JadedSun  
7/31/11 chapter 2  
"There are more fuckin' dead people on TV than live ones lately. Ghosts, vampires, zombies. And flashbacks. Look at Lost. You could die in the first episode and still have a job for six years."  
I love you for this. Just sayin.

ShayGurl  
6/28/11 chapter 1  
all i can say is BOOOOOOM ! love it and great details on the characters =) great job =) more please xxoxx

JadedSun  
6/28/11 chapter 1  
Okay... I don't do slash myself, but this chapter made me laugh out loud. Just don't let Flanery see it, he might be a little upset about the dog. :D

IAmTheGrayArea  
6/28/11 chapter 1  
You just blew my fucking mind! Are you serious!  
Not only were these last couple of chapters hilarious and well written, but the Boondock Saints fanfic at the end... GENIUS! I couldn't have loved it more. It was freakin hilarious and I could legitimately see it happening. Love Daryl/Glenn and Connor/Murphy... and Rocco. So great. Really.

deelove1  
6/27/11 chapter 1  
Not the dog please! not the dog!LOL;)


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